My Immortal
by Foxmur
Summary: One year has passed since Julien's death, and Kowalski can't stop thinking it's entirely his fault. But he makes one more trip to Julien's grave to explain how he's always felt. KoJu songfic. Rated for explicit reasons. Completed.


**(D)- Disclaimer- **I would like to inform that I have never shared, been associated with, or claimed any ownership of the television program 'Penguins of Madagascar'. I only claim rights to the stories I've created, the plots behind them, the time taken to create them, my OC's, and my profile name for the site. All original ownership of the actual show belongs to DreamWorks and Nickelodeon. Along with the specific creators Tom McGrath and Eric Darnell. I also do not own any of the lyrics to the song 'My Immortal' by Evanesence.

**(W)- Warning- **I have rated this story for the reasons of there being depressive romance, implied death over illness, implied self-inflicted harm, and the obvious showing of homosexual pairings. The only pairing shown in this write is KoJu, which consists of both Julien and Kowalski. If you find it that you disagree with these reasons for the rating, I ask that you respect your decision and turn back. Everything done in this write is for the matter of enjoyment to those who enjoy it, and if its presence is not an enjoyment to you, I ask that you pay no attention to it and pretend it no longer exists. I only aim to please those who will read it. Now if you are staying, I hope you will enjoy what you're going to read.

**'_My Immortal_'**

**~A Penguins of Madagascar song-fiction**

_Kowalski _**POV-**

"**I'm so tired of being here.."**

It's been so long since you've left, Julien. In fact, it's been an exact year. Today is the day that you died. One year ago. Every single day I've been going to your grave and trying to remember you better. Trying to think about how much you're missed. Trying to think about how much of an idiot I am for waiting until the last second, not even letting you have a chance to say anything back. My only purpose in life now is to go to your grave and do these objectives. It's been so long since I've cared for anything else any more. I've gotten weaker, I can barely enjoy eating, I even stopped listening to Skipper's orders. Not even his violence would get me to stop thinking about you. Just so much has changed since you've disappeared. If you were alive today you might say differently, but in my heart I miss you. It's impossible to explain how much I miss you. I look up to your grave every day after I fall down, start crying and I shout out "Julien, why did you of them all have to die? Why did the world have to give you so much pain before, and end you to such a wrongful death?" Every day I do it. But today I'm here to just talk.

"**Suppressed by all my childish fears.."**

What I hate most about myself now is that I was to afraid of what you would think because I didn't want to embarrass myself. I didn't want to shatter into nothing from the thought that if I told you how I truly felt, and still feel, you would hate me. I let to much scare me and I realized immediately that it was to late. I was there by your side every day and I tried to make you feel better by giving you hopes to come back and live through it. I'm afraid of what you think of me now while you're up there with your spirits because I gave you so much to believe in, but I realize now it was just a lie. I lied to you, and I can't take it back. I haven't thought straight for so long and there were so many things that went through my head to scare me. Private would actually try and help me but I stayed silent. I've barely spoken since you've left and I've barely acted like someone who would be considered a living being. I certainly don't feel like one while you're not around. But it's not your fault. I was afraid while you were in that state too. I wanted to try and conduct experiments or give you some type of antidotes, but I was to afraid that it would make it worse.

"**And if you have to leave.."**

I could have kept you here and alive if I gave you anything. I wanted to keep you here but I realize now that it's all to late. Much to late. I was to slow. It took me to long to realize what I should have done. I understand now that it was meant to happen this way. You were meant to leave and you had no choice. No matter how much wisdom I could have tried to put into you, you would still be where you are now. I could have done something differently but I see now that what's happened has happened. I feel though that there's something that keeps connecting me to you in this grave. Something that makes me feel that I haven't done all that I should, and what I have done has been for the wrongful reasons. This grave is my only place to be happy any more. But even here I shed out my tears and cry to myself and your corpse. I don't want to question why you had to leave, because I feel like you're still here in some ways.

"**I wish that you would just leave.."**

I know I care for you in so many ways. There's no possible way I could explain what my heart wanted me to say. But it's been so long. You're still in there and I want you there. But while I want you there, I want you alive too. But all I can have are these thoughts that you're still around. As if your spirit is still haunting me. Attacking me for ever telling you what you were starting to believe. It was a bit much, yes. I understand it if you're trying to make me feel worse for getting you through it. But while I may deserve it, I feel afraid. I want you here, but I don't if you're not alive. I may feel strongly for you, but if all I can get is your haunting spirit, I just want you to leave. I want you to be able to stop getting any revenge you may seek on me and I want you to be able to head off into whatever heaven you may believe in. I feel like I somehow hold you back, and I want you to be able to go free

"**Your presence still lingers here.."**

But I still feel you're here. You don't want to leave because you just want to stick around and torment my soul for ever putting those emotions onto you. I told you "Stay strong. It'll all be fixed one day. You'll be standing back up and enjoying everything that you would normally do." But that day never came. You didn't get to stand up again and you never got the opportunity to dance and have fun. Instead, the only excitement you got were what I wanted you to feel, because I thought it would come true. The only reason people think you're still here any more is because I keep saying you are. I may not talk much but if I do it's about what I'm feeling or it's about you. I would keep saying you're here. I would say "He's still around. He's talking to me in secret and he wants us all to remember him and be happy." But I know it's just my insanity hoping you're still around. That being your living body. Not your ghost.

"**And it won't leave me alone.."**

I feel like your ghost is what sticks around. It's like you're here and you want to always be around me and not anybody else. But it isn't the you that I want. The soul and body are what I want. Not the ghost. I try to shout at my thoughts and tell them to stop thinking about you, but I feel like that's not what you want. It's like you want me to be tormented by the never-ending thoughts that are about you because they all make me feel worse and worse. Already they've succeeded to make me harm myself and I'm not proud of it. I feel it's all done though because it's my thoughts that try and please what I'm assuming you want. I don't want to do it and I wish it would stop. But you're still here in ways and you won't stop telling me it's all my fault and that I deserve punishment. It's as If I haven't done enough to make you happy, and you won't leave me until I'm dead like you. I wish you would just go away. I don't want to feel you around any longer if this is what you'll be.

"**These wounds won't seem to heal.."**

I know though that it's just my insanity that drives me to the point that I want to believe you're still here and want me in these feelings. I can't stop with the thought that I've done something wrong and they won't go away. They stick with me and it seems like the thoughts that go around in my brain don't want to start thinking better. I tell myself "You're in a better place. You're happy where you are and you want to leave this place behind," but I can't get the tormenting thought out of my mind that you want to stick around and take in the pain that you've received from most-everyone here at the zoo. I wanted to be one of the people to accept you for who you are and make you happy about it, though I feel that I've done just as much harm to you as anyone else. Emotional pain is what I've caused probably, and I can't say to myself that you don't even think about me, because I can't stop assuming how you couldn't if I think so much about you and it's gone as far as it has. The harm I've caused myself violently has the ability to heal, but the pain in my heart won't seem to think you're better. That your illness has left you alone.

"**This pain is just to real.."**

It's my thoughts that make me assume you're in pain. That you're still in suffering and the illness you had is still getting worse and it's almost as if you actually haven't even passed away from it. I keep thinking you're still around and vomiting out the sickness you had because it still sticks with me. Like you've given me your illness after you've disappeared, but it's not the same as yours. You were stuck in bed having people such as myself, Marlene and Maurice make you better. Me? I'm the only one in this sickness. Everyone has tried to help me or tell me that you're in another place thankful for what I tried to do. But I can't help but tell them "How is he gone if I still feel so much pain in my heart? It's just to much to feel like he's gone and he can't be gone if my heart feels this much pain." I hadn't even felt so much pain even when my own parents died, Julien. I hadn't felt that they were haunting me after they died. You're the only one, and you were and still are more than importance can be. But my heart still feels an angering kick of your living state.

"**There's just to much that time cannot erase.."**

What I don't understand though is that even after everything we did together, I still feel that there's something about you that's holding a grudge towards me. I came over every night to ask how you were doing, how your day went, how you were getting along with everything. I wanted to give you a chance of friendship because I could see that Skipper didn't exactly want you around. That he considered you a problem and were doing absolutely no good to the zoo. I know that through these nights we began seeing friendship. I don't know if you were starting to feel what I felt, but I know that I was beginning to realize how fun you were to be with. Even after everything I tried to help with, I still found you fun. Those thoughts came immediately from what it feels, and through so long did I feel the clock just stop to give us a time to be friends, while Skipper would hate against each one of you. I can't forget our memories, Julien.

"**When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.."**

Soon after those beginning days I began asking those questions and I remember that the first time you were completely honest and felt that something was wrong, you cried. In front of me. You didn't let anything hold it back and to me it seemed as if you trusted me with your inner feelings. Maybe not for romance, but more on the side that you felt everyone in the zoo hated you. You said "Nobody likes me as the king, and everyone thinks I'm weird," but I told you "You're not weird. You're just getting used to this place and figuring out how everything works. And I'm not to sure if I can call you my king, but I'm willing to call you my friend." That was the very first time you hugged me. I felt such warmth in my heart and I wanted you to know that you're special. That was also when I started feeling love. I would clear your face of any tears and tell you "It will get better soon," and you would smile at me in agreement and I feel like you began to trust me. It didn't get better though, and I'm sorry that I lied to you. I didn't realize it to be a lie until you died.

"**When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.."**

After your sadness you began to tell more. Still it was on the wrong side of thoughts, but I was more than willing to make you happy. You began telling me "I feel that one day someone in this zoo will hurt me from how much they don't like me," and I would tell you "Nobody wants to hurt you. It'll all get better and you'll have everyone as your friend. But until then, I'll be here to make it all better. What are friends for, right?" Sure. I told you that and it barely seems like in the end everyone began liking you. Everyone did actually start worrying if you would get better, but nobody actually came to help you besides Marlene. But she cares for everyone so I don't see how she counts. But that also comes irrelevant because I remember the day you died, I was the only one who cried. Well, maybe Mort did too, but that was because he wouldn't be able to have his idea of fun with you any more. I was the one who cried though. I was the one that begged for you to wake up. This was one of your fears and you told me so yourself, and I tried to fight that fear away with the idea that you'd get better. Again, I lied.

"**And I held your hand through all of these years.."**

Though being with you felt like a dozen years, it only lasted for a few months. Every night though, against Skipper's knowledge, I would sneak out of the HQ and come see you. Every night. I didn't care of what would happen in the morning if I had a lack of sleep. I didn't care if Skipper would find out about it and get upset. All I cared about was seeing you and keeping you happy. I knew that if I didn't keep coming to see you, there might be some future problems that may have happened. If there were one night where I didn't come to see you, I know you would think our friendship was over. But I kept a promise I made to you that I would see you every night. I promised I would ask how your day was and say things to get you into a better mood for the night and possibly pass on into tomorrow. I promised you I would guide you to a better happiness, that I would stick beside you and I would never end our friendship. But it seems yet another lie has come because our friendship technically has ended. By both of our doings. But I'm not blaming you because it's my fault. It ended because of me. Because I wanted to take it higher.

"**But you still have.."**

Although we haven't spoken to one-another in an entire year I still feel you're here like I've said. I feel like I have done you some justice because even though you died in the end, I ended up going through it all. With you. I stuck by your side and offered my friendship when no one else would. I was the only one who actually wanted to see you happy and know that you had a reason to be here. I feel that if I didn't try, you wouldn't have gone as long as you did. I feel you would have done some form of suicide. But I don't want to say I've done a good thing because I didn't tell you how I truly felt in the beginning. I didn't tell you early-on so that you might have had a chance to say something back. Instead I told you in your very last five seconds of life. Right after I said it, I remember your eyes shot wide open and I heard the fatal sound of you dying. It was quick but it sounded painful. I've never had such a scary day in my life.

"**..all of me."**

But even if you're not here Julien, I want you to know my friendship is still strong. I still want to be your friend even if you're not here. If you would use your ghost to talk to me instead of haunt me, I would give you every single word you would want to hear. That even if nobody else could see the importance in your death, I still did. The importance that because you died, we wouldn't have someone like you around any longer. You might say people would find that a good thing, but no. I would hug you and tell you that they just haven't seen the greatness that you are. I want you to understand too that you don't just have my friendship. You have my entire soul. Like I've said, nothing for me has been the same since you've disappeared. I haven't felt the same at all and every day it gets worse and worse. I'm connected to your grave and I would give you anything else if I could. But it feels like all that I have is with you already.

"**You used to captivate me.."**

Everything about you made me smile Julien. I don't even care if there's a difference between us in any way, I felt so connected to you. I felt that while you could share what you felt about your day, I could share with you what I was thinking too because I honestly haven't had a friend like you. There was to much that I wanted to say but at the time I felt like I already told you enough. I felt a bond towards you and I don't know if it was because of how you were attitude and look-wise, or if it was that I finally felt I had a friend to actually be happy with. I mean sure I had and still have the team, and maybe even Marlene, but still..you had something. You were the one that wouldn't say to suck it up. You would tell me "If you want me happy, then I want you happy." You would add "Anything that you say to me is what I want you to feel too." You weren't the best at words but you captured my heart by telling me I had a reason too. But I realize now that all I wanted was you to be happy.

"**By your resonating light.."**

It seemed like I actually succeeded to make you happy each night though. You actually had a lot more to tell than I expected. But for some reason it was never to much for me. I could talk to you the entire night if you really wanted me to and I remember the latest we went was about three-hundred hours. I remember that night so well, and you had so much to talk about. You were very afraid that night too and you wanted me to stay with you. But I hated pretending to fall asleep beside you and returning back to base. If I could have controlled it I would have came close and actually held you in your sleep and let you feel actual love instead of only friendship. But I was letting my fear get to me. I was afraid that Skipper would stop us seeing each other if you and I were found together. That would be one thing, but I'm sure it would freak Skipper our if we were actually close together in sleep. You just wanted me nearby though. Now, if I could, I would hold you in my flippers and tell you how special you are. I would bring you close to me and keep all of the fears away. It seems though that I felt I wasn't good enough for you, so that's why I kept holding back my feelings.

"**Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.."**

I don't get it any more though. It's that you're not here, but you still are. I don't understand it at all and I want to know why I keep infecting my mind more and more each and every day until it lead to the point where I started hurting myself. There's nothing more that I would want than to see your face one more time. But the anger I feel like you have still bothers me. I feel you hate me because of how many lies ended up becoming real, and that ever making those promises were a bad idea. You haven't left my mind at all and I want to know what it is you aim for. Why you torment me instead of them. Is it because I hurt you? Is it because of the lies? I just wish you would tell me before I end up killing myself. Although I'm sure that's what you might want because you either want me to cease living, or you want me to be with you. I don't know, but if it's the second option I would want you to tell me. I would do it because there's nothing I can manage to do any more without you. I just want to be wherever you are now and get you through anything if something is wrong.

"**Your face it haunts.."**

The one thing I can't get out of my mind completely though is that look on your face right as you died. The amount of horror, the pain it seemed to appear, the bits of vomit on your face, the dirtiness you fur was in, and the blood-shot eyes you had. That was the only time I didn't want to look at you. The one time I didn't see the beauty in you and I was afraid. But that's the face I get stuck in my head whenever I think you hate me. It's the face that makes me think you don't want me happy and you want me to suffer. It's so scary, and I hate to say that it was you. I never thought someone as beautiful as you could ever have something look like that. I would think even your ugly faces would be cute, no matter how good or bad that may sound I mean that in a positive way. But that's the same face I get each time I think about you. It's in my nightmares and my nightmares are every single night. I have so much trouble sleeping now you wouldn't even find it possible.

"**My once pleasant dreams.."**

I can barely remember every good dream I had about you because the fear of those nightmares are what made me start forgetting how beautiful you are. I know you're still amazing and I will never say you're not. It's just that the different you that was on your face always seemed to make one more dream lose affection to me. I still find you attractive and I still enjoy everything that you were, but I just can't think straight when all that I can get any more are those terrible nightmares. It seems so real. I remember one dream though. One where we were the only ones in the entirety of Manhattan. All we had were each other and you were just fine with that. That dream was my first kiss, too. But the nightmares began and they wouldn't leave me alone. Last night it wasn't as bad as they normally were, but you were burning in a fire. You had that face I'm terrified of and you were calling out for me to save you. But I was already burning in a pit of lava. These are not my dreams that I want. These are the nightmares I've never wanted to exist.

"**Your voice it chased away.."**

Though that nightmare does remind me of something. Your speech that would come to me. Although you only considered it a few words, I would always find it as long as that. But I still remember your screams of fear and loneliness because of me sometimes running a bit late. That scream of fear is what I usually hear in my nightmares. It's so much for me to handle and it's the worst thing I could ever hear in my life, Julien. To know you're in fear or pain is one thing. But to hear it every single night for the past year is so hard to live with. I just want it all to end so I can one day wake up and maybe be with you. If not, then somewhere where the screams and death just end. Science can't prove anything any longer. It's like that first scream from you in my first nightmare literally took away any of those good dreams I had. I can't even think of happy dreams of you any more. All that I ever get now are the feelings that you're in suffering. Worse than you were, and it's all my fault.

"**All the sanity in me.."**

Julien I want to know though. Why? Why does this happen every night and why can't I get one single good dream about you? I want to think you're in a better place and you're happy now. But it's the thoughts that get to me. The nightmares mostly. How can I even manage to live this long with it, Julien? I feel as if the devil has taken a grasp on my rights to be happy. There's nothing that can make me happy without you and what I find strange is that while I feel you haunt me, those hauntings can consist of you muttering my name. In a whisper but it feels like you're screaming it in fear of not seeing you. I don't know why you don't think I'm seeing you any more because every day I come to your grave and speak to you. Why do you think I'm here now? I'm here for you because I want to make you happy. But here I am again talking to myself and a dead corpse. Like you're still here. Are you?

"**These wounds won't seem to heal.."**

My insanity grows worse every day Julien and I don't know why I get more and more into thinking about you when I already feel that's the only thing I do. I starve myself, I hurt myself, I even call myself names for what you might want to call me. I want to feel like I know why you're gone and I want to think that you probably don't have any thought or care to me right now, wherever you are. Everything I do to myself seems to not get better. The pain I cause myself physically seems to do so through time, but the emotional bond I have towards you will not go away. I don't want to stop thinking about you even though I think about not thinking about you. You would probably understand what I mean by that. How do I fix what can't be un-broken?

"**This pain is just to real.."**

I don't understand how to make it all better. I try and think you want me to be happy while I still can but I feel though that you want me to suffer for however long I may have. That is if I don't speed up the process by killing myself. I remember every day you were in sickness. What was probably two weeks at the most felt like several years. I would ask "How is it feeling? Is it getting any better?" But you would only shake your head and tell me "I am probably going to die soon." Whatever pain you were going through went into me, Julien. But it's been on for so long. How long am I meant to have it? Is it for an eternity? Or do I control it? Is there something I have to say to get it to stop? What am I saying, this is just nonsense. Or maybe I don't make sense. Maybe I'm not even meant to exist any longer. The pain sticks to my mind but it feels like it's the real world. I can't even stop it. It's so painful Julien. Why won't you stop it?

"**There's just to much that time cannot erase.."**

At the most I've gotten three hours of sleep and the rest of the four or so I get at around when I return back to HQ. Skipper doesn't even recognize me as a penguin any more. I'm nothing to the team without you Julien and I've refused to do anything for Skipper since you've left. I've told him how I felt about you and I told him if he spoke one false word about you I wouldn't let him breath for until he took it back. I won't let anyone talk bad about you Julien because that's what I'd tried to prevent when you were still around. While you were around I hadn't realized how much you meant to me. How much of an impact you made on my life. I haven't been the same person since that day I decided to try and make you feel better about your life. I wanted you to get to know at least one person so you could figure out how most of us here act. But it seems like I failed to get any more people to feel for you like I have and still do.

"**When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.."**

I've been alone for to long Julien. You were the first person that I felt that special feeling for. I wish you were still here, with me. I would even take back the little friendship we had before this entire mess. Where every night there was something to talk about and most times you would grab onto me and beg for my words of happiness. I wouldn't mind giving the entire galaxy for you Julien. My very soul is not holy when you're not around and without you I've been a demented monster just travelling between two places and caring for nothing else. My only purpose has been to keep you happy. But I've been stopping your cries and fears for so long. I don't want to appear selfish, but where is my chance to feel better from you? I want you here. I want to stop crying and I want to stop my thoughts. Nothing is going right for me any longer and I don't understand how I'm still walking to this day. Maybe it's just my urge to come and visit you every day.

"**When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.."**

But how does it all work? Do you want me to keep seeing you because you want to see me every day? Or are you trying to make me go crazy? That is if I haven't already. To this day I don't feel like I'm right. I feel there's so much wrong with me and I..I just want it all to end. I've been tempted so many times by a knife floating around in my thoughts but I keep holding it back because I feel that you want me to come here to your grave every day. If I were to kill myself or die or anything, I wouldn't see you the next day. But haven't I proven my friendship to you yet? Do you see that you're making me fear life itself because of my questioning to everything that exists? I don't want you to feel bad, but when can this all just end? I want to know how I can stop it and how I can make you happy. If you want me dead, how would I come to your grave every day? Or do you just want me out of your existence completely?

"**And I held you hand through all of these years.."**

The thing though is that I don't want to leave you. I want to be by your side even after your death and I want to keep you happy. Those days where I came here and I was even crazed enough to believe you would be here talking to me. But I know now that those were just my nightmares getting to me. I don't know if you want me to keep mentioning the nightmares because I don't want it to seem like it's your fault. It's your death that's the problem, not you. I just thought you would like to know that. I have a decision made already and I told it to Skipper. When I die, I want to be buried right beside you and I want to have my flipper in your hand. He knows how crazy I am and I've heard him mutter things of worry over me. I remember a couple of those nights I actually came and fell asleep here on your grave because I was crying and screaming to much to let the others get any sleep. I came here because I thought it would help. I threw up that next morning.

"**But you still have.."**

Even if I would have to endure this punishment for the rest of my life, I would do it just to hear you say you're not mad at me. I want to give you my soul because I find that you're the one who understands me. But you've been putting me through this pain for so long and I just don't understand what I'm supposed to get. Am I meant to give you something? To me my heart seems to be the most valuable. You might say my brain, but I'm nowhere near as well as a scientist as I was when you were around. Again, if I haven't already said it, I want you to have the entirety of my soul. Anything and everything in my mind ends with a definition of you. The bad things? Well, those are the things about you that haunt me. But every good thing or something that I would enjoy always narrows down in some long stream to you. I would give my knowledge, my power, my right to be alive just so you could be here. You can have anything you want from me.

"**..all of me."**

You can take anything from me. Already you've used all of it but you can claim it as your own for as long as you may need it. Though all that I have Julien are thoughts of you. Confusing thoughts switching between warm fuzzy feelings and destructive chaos. What can I do to make you mine? How can I bring you back? What do I have to do to prove that I want you around? Do you even think I want you? I want you more than anything. Well, no. The only thing I could want more than that is you happy. Just to know that you're not wherever you are crying would satisfy the depression I've had for so long. I would stick through it all if every day I could just know that you're happy. But you're probably not happy with me because maybe I think too much about you. What can I say? I miss you.

"**I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.."**

Here I am returning to the thought though. How can I prove you're alive? Or dead? Which is it? I don't even know what to say any more. You've been around so long but I know you're not alive. I was the one who took you in my flippers after you died. I'm the one who buried you! I know you're not here with us any more. But what's going on with me? Why can't I believe what I've already made a fact? The scans I took, the tests, the pulse. I felt nothing positive come from whatever I checked and you just wouldn't breath. So there was no possible way you were here. I remember trying to use CPR, but because I can't exactly do it perfectly on a mammal, I was only able to give the compressions. I didn't think it would work but I was desperate. If you were alive, something I had to check you would have proven it. I would have seen it! I was a medic before a scientist so I'm well with this stuff. But there was no way to fix what had been done. You were dead. But you're still here. In my heart? In my head? I don't even know.

"**But though you're still with me.."**

Why do you stay with me though if you're not going to even try and speak to me? Why do you try and let me know you're here, but you don't attempt to be my friend any more? Is my assumption of your anger right? Are you unhappy with me? Do you want me to feel you around? Or am I just going crazy? I'm obviously crazy for you Julien, and you should know that by now, wherever you may be. Nobody else feels you're around and you're just..another dead animal. But to me, I feel as though that our entire planet should be under some apocalyptic state. They all think you're just gone, but I think you're right by my side every day. Like you're trying to let me know that you're here still, but I don't even have an idea for if you even want to be with me any longer. You've been with me for so long, but..

"**..I've been alone all along."**

..I know I'm all by myself. It's only that I worry about you and my crave to have finally made you mine has overtaken my thoughts. The reason I fear so much is because I was afraid that you were never going to know how I truly felt, and because I kept that a bit of a secret and gave to you my trust and promise of sharing anything, you would consider myself the liar I keep assuming you want to call me. But..you're not here. These voices that are only yours that I keep hearing are entirely just my imagination. You're not angry at me, you don't hate me. I've just felt that you were because I was angry at myself for not telling you how I've felt. I didn't even realize it until now. This is becoming a longer visit than I expected, but if you can hear me, I know you'll be happy.

"**When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.."**

I wasn't expecting to make this such a long visit but I was expecting at the start to cry like I have since I continuously came to see you every day. I do miss you very much Julien, but I'm starting to realize that I've been a fool for such a long time. I've been putting myself into these depressive situations because I was so angry that you would never actually become mine, and you would never become more than just my friend. But now I see that you're not mad because I have been honest with you. I've come to see you every day and I kept my promise. Through this entire time I have told you how I've felt, and I've just been pitying myself because I hadn't realized how much it might mean to you if you realized that I was coming to your grave every day. Though I bet you're where you are crying because I've come to you in sadness, when you want me to be happy. I want to make those tears stop, and I want to return the favour.

"**When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.."**

I've let to much in my dreams scare me because I was afraid of losing you. Although I've already lost you, I've been afraid the entire time to lose you out of my heart. But in my heart, I was crushed. Crushed to see you die and not get a chance to respond to what I lastly told you. But whether your response would have been for the better or worse, I should have realized that I got it off of my chest. I wouldn't have to go around and carry the thought that every time I would see you, I wouldn't be able to think straight. I was thinking through the last year that what I said or what I might have done, or what I might not have said or done, may have killed you. I sort of felt responsible for you death. But it wasn't my fault. I caused you no harm. Now I realize I've been afraid of what doesn't exist.

"**And I held your hand through all of these years.."**

The thoughts of you are what freaked me out so much because I felt you were so far away, but you were so close just because of this grave. When all that's here is a stone, a bunch of dirt, and probably your scattered bones. Not the best thought, but it helps me know that you're not here. There's nothing of you left here and your spirit has gone off with the wind. Or it may be sitting around Central Park. But the point is that you're just not alive any more. I can't change that and there's nothing I can change about what I've said or done to you any ways. I still hold you close though, like I held you through all of those nights. How I wonder why that didn't develop so early. But that was my doing for not telling you early-on. But you do now know how much I mean what I've been cowering to say. You know I care for you and I want you happy. An entire year through this much pain should prove something to you, and you were a special person so I'm betting you understand my thoughts, since I've dumped them into this exact spot for so long.

"**But you still have.."**

I'm feeling that I've said a lot for you Julien. I want you to be able to rest in peace and not worry about me any longer. I've come to terms with what are facts and what are the supernatural. I want you to have this rose I picked out for you though. It'll look nice here on your resting place. I'm sure you'll be happy because every week this is what I would bring to you, too. You told me you loved the roses. So here's one more. I want this one to mean a lot because it's coming straight from my heart. Maybe not environmentally-wise, but it comes from my storage of happiness. I think I've said enough though. I should go. You should rest. Oh, and before we depart, I want to tell you one more thing. I love you, and I miss you. I hope you sleep well my sweet. I'll come to visit you another day.

"**..all of me."**

(Within a weeks time Kowalski returned to Julien's grave just to say that he'd been doing better. What he began to teach himself actually started to work and he started getting healthier again. But he wanted to keep visiting Julien. But to start over. This time come in a happy tone and not fill the lemur's grave with sorrow. What changed Kowalski's life completely though was what he found written onto the tombstone when he went back that first day. It said "I love you too, Kowalski." This amazed the scientist-penguin and he wanted to tell everyone of what he found. But it would only appear when he was alone. It disappeared if he brought anyone else. Though Julien is dead, Kowalski always returns with a smile now and immediately begins with "I've returned, **My Immortal**."

**~Fin..**


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